February 13, 2006

Nature Trail Leads to Blood Thirsty Bears

            We’ve all been on them at some point in our lives.  Following the narrow pathways cut away for us between the trees and rodent droppings, we stride joyfully through the trail feeling adventurous as if looking for the fountain of youth.  However, a few days ago a family of travelers seemed to take the wrong nature trail.  This was no ordinary nature walk.  It was instead a path to a brutal and painful death, leading to none other than a large bear cave.

            Reports indicate the family got off track around seven miles into the trail.  Other reports say the trail itself was only three miles.  In any event, the brown path they were following suddenly changed to a deep red one veering off south-east.  Unfortunately, the entire family was color blind not realizing they were following a trail of dry blood.

            Local flying squirrel Mr. Wingnut saw them go down the weary path of death, “I’ve never seen such a gleeful group of humans before in my life.  I tried to warn them, but I stopped caring after I jumped off the tree.  Wow, I says to myself, I can fly!”

            Many wonder if a tree falls in a forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?  We mention this because the bear’s main form of attack was to swing trees at the family.  Since they’re all dead, we still may never know the answer.  This reporter speculates it sounded like a ‘whooshing’ noise followed by a splat.  The oak from the trees were found lodged into the skulls of the younger boy and older sister.  We have a few disturbing photos of this posted on the web.

            Upon further review of the scene the bear simply swatted them into the trees, lifting them up would be nearly impossible due to the tremendous weight of them. 

One could speculate the family provoked the bears with their meaty, juicy, magical walking steaks.  At least, that’s what the bear thought they were when he attacked them.  They were actually the family themselves, and the bear is pleading insanity.  “My client has no comment at the moment except to say that he’s very thirsty right now, and he’s got something stuck between his teeth,” says the bear’s attorney Mitchell Sandsburg   Investigators are still looking for the father’s thumb.

Relatives are threatening to sue the nature trail.  “They were never told this could happen.  Bears were not in the brochure, just the trees.  Who thinks bears would be on a nature trail?” cries the grandmother.  The case was dropped soon after our camera man informed her that bears aren’t just in zoos.