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Random Thoughts to Think About

  1. I don’t have a twin, but I sure look like this one guy I know. He lives in the mirror.

  1. I got into a bad mood and ran through a meadow killing a bunch of people. A while later I came back to see the meadow had turned into a vast forest. This gave me an idea as I invented a new fertilizer calling it Soilent Green.

  1. Why do people use Kleenex with lotion, it’s wet before you even get started.

  1. I want to see the renegade hero of a movie kill a bunch of bad guys, then slip on a dirt clod and die ending the movie.

  1. What happens if a computer contracts Alzheimer’s?

  1. When Webster came up with the dictionary, did he know what he was talking about?

  1. If banks keep our money safe, then why are people downloading it?

  1. Truck Commertial idea.

Show truck racing through jungles, up mountains, over rivers, and through the desert. Then show it jump off the Grand Canyon into the pit.

Voice “Ok, the ………. Truck can do a lot, but what can really jump the Grand Canyon?” “Just drive it”

  1. Constipation Commertial:

“Are you constipated”

“why yes, yes I am”

“No crap”


  1. Did you ever wonder where the place between life and death is? Well, wherever it is, they’d better have free cable.

  1. Which came first, the clock or time?

  1. Shouldn’t the X-Men be called X-People?

  1. How do Suicide Bombers know they have made a difference?

  1. If T.V. really rots the mind, then what’s the point of brain cancer?

  1. I have always wondered who came up with the idea to use an electric chair as a way of death. What’s even stranger is who came up with that same idea to shock people back to life. Now the way I see it, is that the electric chair came first. So who thought the life part up. Did some guy see a corpse on the side of the road and decided to have a little fun with his jumper cables?

  2. Movie idea.

Random fight breaks out, both get into a stance, and fight music breaks out. They stand in the same stance until night falls. One guy just shrugs and walks over to the one guy still in the stance and kicks him in the crotch then walks away.

  1. If the radio plays music, then what do instruments play?

  1. In a deck of cards, did you ever wonder why the king is worth more than the queen? But the Ace was worth more than the King. So that must mean the Ace was the divorce lawyer.

  1. Do bunnies lay eggs only on Easter?

  1. Batman was the only superhero without powers, is he considered to be an outcast?

  1. Hair is made up of dead particles, so why do shampoo products advertise they have nutrients in them?

  1. Who was the weirdo that said if you count the tree’s rings you can tell how old it was? Was that guy like 300 years old? I’ll bet he was the guy that tried to figure out how many licks it took to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

  1. If Waldo looked in the mirror, could he find himself?

  1. If a picture can say 1000 words, then what good is voice mail?

  1. If cameras add ten pounds, wouldn’t that cause indigestion?

  1. If magic isn’t real, then how did O.J. Simpson get away with it?

  1. If 2+2=4 and 8+8=16 then why is 7+4=11?

  1. Was School invented because children stopped learning from their mistakes?

  1. What’s the deal with Canada?

  1. Have we truly figured out how a microwave works yet?

  1. When you have a cold, or the flu, where does all that snot come from? I mean really, it just keeps coming and never stops. I got worried once and thought my brain was bleeding.

  1. If I were a bug, I’d be a stink bug.

  1. What’s the deal with Canada?

  1. I was told that a line never ends. I had nightmares afterwards. IT NEVER ENDS!!??

  1. Do you think they can make a burger with fries in it…or fries with burgers in it?

  1. The crafty pink donkey is staring at me. He’s wearing a hat. THE HAT IS PINK!

  1. People once thought getting a picture traps your soul…what if they were right?

  1. Is the appendix our self destruct device that we lost the controls for a long time ago in a cave and now a clan of muskrats has control of the device and people are self destructing at random?

  1. Are tonsils just for decoration?

  1. We are an advanced human race. We have nuclear power, electric, running water, cars, and have been to the moon. But we still have no idea what nipples do.

  1. I bet the person who invented the clapper never thought what it would do to the poor families who have a seal as a pet.

  1. I learned our brain gives off electric impulses. I’ve decided to stay away from my brain in fear that it might hurt me.

  1. Do mirrors look at us too?

  1. I thought outside the box one day and while I was away, someone set fire to my box. I’ve never been back since.

  1. Are mailmen Santa’s anti elves?

  1. What if we are all wearing our clothes backwards?

  1. Are cheerleaders a delayed punishment from God?

  1. If we stayed in the womb longer, would we grow more things?

  1. Did we change to widescreen T.V. to match the ever widening human race?

  1. If I were a prisoner, I would yell IM FREE IM FREE, just to see if anyone would buy it.

  2. What if the flu shot causes cancer? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?

  1. Spies always sneak around using ventilation shafts. If I were a bad guy, I’d put sticky paper in the shafts.

  2. Wouldn’t it be neat to see a flaming baby carriage rolling down a hill? Of course there isn’t a baby in it, but it is about to collide with an orphanage.

  1. When we used to sacrifice things, we usually chose a lamb. That’s right we proved to the Gods how strong we were by sacrificing an animal that would jump off a cliff if it saw something else do it. We never sacrificed anything that could win.

  1. We have war, and we have the Olympic Games. I’ll bet Aliens are really confused.

  1. How come no one plays fetch with us, it looks like fun.

  1. I’ve been a professional suicide bomber for 30 years…

  1. Did they have macaroni when Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap?

  1. Who passed the law of gravity? Didn’t they know about balloons?

  1. Why can’t cats and dogs settle their differences?

  1. Animal rights activists always protest against the zoo. Animals aren’t in their natural habitat. I think they’re just jealous.

  1. I try to stay away from vitamins D and E; I never wanted to be a failure.

  1. If you worked at the mint, and someone asks what you do for a living, your response would have to be “I make money.”

  1. Invisible friends are never there when you need them.

  1. A friend in need is a friend you can't ask for money.

  1. People tell me they’d rather die then see me again; I like to follow these people with a camera so I can catch them killing themselves on tape.

  1. David Copperfield got stoned to death doing his new trick where he turned a single fish into many with a wave of his hand.

  1. I bought my friend a T.V. the other day…little did she know it was just a box with a mirror in it. Now she believes she is famous.

  1. I committed the perfect crime by blaming my actions on a mime.

  1. I had a nightmare where I was at a nudist party and everyone was naked but me.

  1. I want to make a horror movie where the humans scare the monsters…the humans could be played by women and the monsters could be men, maybe I’ll just make a reality show out of it.

  1. A detective held up a gun in a bag and asked if I had seen it before. I said yes, but it was in my hand shooting a clerk not in a plastic bag.

  1. I made a bet with a friend that I could wake up from a coma within a week…he lost the bet when he hit me a little too hard with the metal bat.

  1. Aliens think we’re stupid because we put wheels on our planes.

  1. I alienated my friends when I moved to Mars.

  1. Semi trucks are huge…I’d hate to see a truck.

  1. I’m not insane, I just daydreamed a hallucination.

  1. I put a radio in a microwave and created a new wave that makes leftovers sing.

  1. The skateboard was made when the wheel was invented; it just went out of style until now.

  1. An Amish boy was banned from his group after shocking his sister with static electricity.

  1. I gave a fish mouth to mouth resuscitation.

  1. I tunneled out of prison only to surface in a married couple’s home.

  1. Oscar Myer WAS a wiener.

  1. Time heals all wounds, except for this gaping hole in my head.

  1. I keep breaking the worlds smallest violin...it makes me sad.

  1. I was color blind until I ran into a rainbow.

  1. I was one of a kind until I entered a boy’s locker room.

  1. It hurt my feelings to tell my clone he was an idiot.

  1. I told people they were dumb buying books, all they had to do was read the dictionary in a certain order.

  1. Telemarketers keep breaking my area code!

  1. George Bush was a ‘child left behind.’

  1. People that run down the street claiming to see a UFO are laughed at and considered insane, but people running down the street claiming Jesus is imprinted in their pancakes end up in the local newspaper.

  1. After pleading insanity the judge asked me where my lawyer was, I said, "What you can't see Mr. Satan?"

  1. "I used my extra testicle to feed a homeless man…"

"Wow, you had three testicles?"

"No, only two…wait! We're supposed to have two?"

  1. I never thought buying dynamite would blow up in my face.

  1. I wonder if God and Santa share lists.

  1. I prayed to cure world hunger; all I got was a nuclear holocaust.

  1. When your time machine breaks down do NOT try to jump start it!

  1. Chess originated by bored philosophers, checkers originated by people who flattened chess pieces frustrated trying to figure out the rules.

  1. I told a fat chick she was skinny and said I was lying. I told a skinny chick she was skinny and said I was lying. My question is what sick man is selling them fun-house mirrors?

  1. A man came out of my bachelor’s party cake, obviously they made the wrong one so we got our money back...it was supposed to be marble, not chocolate.

  1. After getting hit, the baseball had to get stitches.

  1. I sent a letter written in English to a Hispanic man, he couldn't read it though. You know blind people shouldn't even have mail-boxes.

  1. I tried to call a friend of mine on my new megaphone. I must have dialed wrong, because all I got was some loud guy that sounded a lot like me.

  1. I had a dream where I was dressed like a muskrat. Then I woke up and realized I didn't know what a muskrat was. In my dream, I wore a brown outfit with the word "Muskrat" on it.

  1. While playing with fire, my dad came storming through the door saying I’ll get burned. And so I did, but it wouldn’t have been so bad if he didn’t come storming through the door!

  1. I gave a golden hat to a panhandler to use for begging. He didn’t do so well after that for some reason.

  1. We sing lullabies to children telling them they’ll fall off a tree and die, we give them stuffed animals, we make them eat cold goop from a can with a baby on it, and we even have the gall to make them sleep in a cage. What a sick group parents are!

  1. I told Spiderman to make me a web-cam. He told me to F*#k off.

  1. In a gay mob war no one would die, simply because the mobs would be fighting over whom they should kill, where they would meet, and what they’d be wearing.

  1. When the US claimed the Moon, we didn’t realize how difficult it would be to drill oil out of it.

  1. As a kid, I admired the double-jointed. Making the mistake of trying to be one myself, I soon admired the average person.

  1. I must away to my sleeping place, which, coincidentally, is also my bed.

  1. I took some anti-heart attack pills this morning, also, some anti-depressants as to not go on a suicidal rampage. Consequently, this combination caused a massive stroke killing me…

  1. A friend of mine is Schizophrenic…he’s invisible.

  1. I was at a funeral, and a man asked me how I was, I told him that I’ll live.

  1. What’s worse than being chased by 10,000 bees? I wish I could tell you, I’m currently being chased by 10,000 bees.

  1. I ate a pineapple once and it didn't taste like either.

  1. "Do you know what time it is?"

"Why yes I do."

"Could you tell me what time it is?"

"No, I forgot how to tell time."

  1. Piece of advice: when you ask Hitler to play battleship, first let him know you're talking about the board game.

  1. You learn something new every other day…except on leap days…and half past Tuesday’s.

  1. A giant mirror would be the best defense against a kamikaze pilot.

  1. After being hit with a large amount of radiation, I attempted to find out whether or not I had gained Super Powers. Surprisingly enough I did. Although, I could only fire off my fingers from my hand once…and I also learned how to detach my leg. But I couldn’t figure out if I could reattach it, seeing as I lost my fingers.

  1. When assigned to a missing person’s case, the first thing the detective wanted to know was, "Where is this guy?"

  1. The glass is half full, though the milk went bad...

  1. There was someone using a duck call in my chimney to hunt for them. The noise stopped after I used my fire place. Hmm...I smell duck.

  1. I’ve achieved world peace….now if only I can shove a chicken back into an egg.

  1. I expected the sea lion to put up more of a fight, king of the jungle my ass.

  1. I licked a bear once. Can’t remember what he tasted like though, he ripped my face off.

  1. I want to be a Sheppard when I grow up so I can throw a sheep off a cliff, have the rest follow, and then jump off of the cliff onto a big fluffy pile of dead sheep.

  1. Ah! I’m covered in chicken fetus which just so happens to be an egg.

  1. You have the memory of an epileptic dolphin that can't use his own blowhole.

  1. I was daydreaming at night...would that be nightdreaming? And if so, aren't I just dreaming?

  1. There are two very strange, circular rashes on my chest...

  1. A picture is worth a thousand words but they never leave enough room on the back to write them all....

  1. Does immigrant and ignorant sound too similar?

  1. I hung myself with my belt. Needless to say, when they found me, I was caught with my pants down.

  1. Women are child bearers. Which gives them curves. Which makes them attractive. Which inevitably causes them to have children.

  1. A mime went on a talk show. Yep this is where TV has gone now.

  1. If your glass is half empty throw it at someone's face, then at least you can say, "Well, at least I don't have glass shards sticking out of my eyes."

  1. I sniffed some coke just to see what the fuss was about. It only made my brain burp. I guess the a-cola changes something.

  1. I cured my cholera by taking off my shirt.

  1. I can't wait for Armageddon. Then there will be free parking.

  1. What the hell is a wood chuck?

  1. Did Iran get its name from joggers?

  1. Why is the smiley face yellow? I sure wouldn't smile if I was yellow!

  1. I watched a reality TV show of me robbing a bank. Yeah, I really should have worn a mask.

  1. A black cat crossed my path so I kicked it. Well...I missed him and hit an electrical out-let.

  1. What comes after 149? Hopefully not another stupid random thought!

  1. Ignore random thought #149, it was just angry at the time.

  1. His voice was that of a fallen angel. Oh, I'm sorry I meant falling angel. (AHHHHH!)

  1. How can digital cameras record us? We're not digital...are we?

  1. The light was on but no one was home, so I robbed the place.

  1. I'm glad my brother died. He was cold hearted. They found him in a meat freezer.

  1. People who hang pictures of trees on their walls are sick! That's like hanging a midget on a giant.

  1. I keep dinner in my lunchbox.

  1. I lost my lunch on a rollercoaster once. I should have just eaten it before I went on.

  1. I stopped to smell the roses one care-free day. Unfortunately, I was allergic to them and died a horrible death.

  1. There is no butt in my rear-view mirror!

  1. If a guy was singing ‘Water, Water Everywhere’ just before the big tsunami, he probably saw it and yelled, "I didn't mean it!"

  1. I died on stage and someone laughed…

  1. "My work puts food on this table!" said the waiter.

  1. I'm leaving it all on the table. Then I'm putting trip wire, and land mines around it to protect my stuff!

  1. Would a film noir movie about film noir just end up being director’s commentary?

  1. "NOOOOOO!” "What's wrong with him?" "They're planning on getting rid of the word ‘no’ in the dictionary..."

  1. When marketing the new po-go sticks, I suggested we change the name. I mentioned that the po must go…

  1. Each chimp we kill is one less that could have killed me.

  1. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away then who’s going to fix this gunshot wound in my stomach?

  1. I hate bigots. I hate smallots too.

  1. My radio active time bomb failed, it was set on AM.

  1. I thought I gave myself a wedgie, until I realized what a wedgie was and had to remove the fork from my eye…

  1. I can read any language as long as it’s translated into English.

  1. After jumping into a foxhole, I realized I should have checked to see if a fox was inside. Luckily there wasn't. But the cougar I met wasn't too happy...

  1. There was this one time on a boat, when this strange catfish gave me three wishes, I only took one, and it wanted to kill me. My wish was to get my hearing back, so the very first thing I heard was a death threat from a fish.

  1. I wanted to buy a make believe sponge to soak up all my pain, but I didn’t have any money…

  1. I made light of a fat man.

  1. The boy who lived in the wishing well’s only wish was to stop having people throw quarters at him.

  1. I bought a textbook to help me with math. I accidentally learned how to make a bomb. Apparently, all books have text in them and I just HAPPENED to pick the wrong one.

  1. It was a magical experience walking the red carpet; until we got to the end where the meat grinder was...

  1. What if my last name was Bates and I was rich and owned a large manor and a butler. Wait...no the butler would have to call me Master Bates...that's no good.

  1. Everyone who has an opinion should go to hell. That’s what I say.

  1. There's one thing I never understood about the movie Casablanca. Who names their kid Humphrey?

  1. I don’t trust picture frames, something about them is just so crooked.

  1. Tee Ball didn't mean what I thought it did. I was rather disappointed.

  1. I drew my own conclusion and it turned out to be a large man stabbing small innocent children.

  1. I lost the art contest the other day. On a good note, they ended up using my piece as an ink blot. The consensus is that it's a car running over chickens trying to cross the road. But of course, that's a poor analysis coming from the institute of dried up comedians.

  1. I made a time machine by looking at a clock in a mirror.

  1. What makes the human being so beautiful? That answer is simple, comparing them to ugly human beings.

  1. Why would the Hunter become the hunted? If I was a Hunter, I wouldn't want to eat myself...

  1. Toys for tots is a great program. I got a free action figure after giving little Jimmy away.

  1. I bet when movies first came out it was a cheesy line to say "The world isn't just black and white"

  1. Well, I made my mark on the world. I just wish it wasn't that giant wiener in the center of New York.

  1. The Grim Reaper wasn’t grim enough. So I made fun of him. That was a mistake because he sure can reap!

  1. I fell asleep. Then I fell in the mud. Then I fell in lava. Later I fell on a mace. I woke up realizing I fell asleep. Then I fell out of bed.

  1. I went over to a friend’s house and he said I should make myself at home, so I left.

  1. What we’ve always known is not what we knew, but rather what we needed to know only to know that we knew. Now where did I put my sandwich?

  1. This random thought was plagiarized.

  1. There are a lot of things I haven’t done naked.

  1. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even have all the questions. I got robbed a week ago…

  1. I cried wolf…they came…

  1. Two Hundred thoughts to think about. What a mile stone! Or a kidney stone, either way it passed…

  1. I drowned in a glass half full.

  1. My speaker phone lost its voice.

  1. I hired a Hit-man to kill a woman, he said that's fine but he doesn't do windows.

  1. I broke my mirror and had seven years of no mirror.

  1. Who brings home the bacon in a vegetarian family?

  1. I painted a painting based off a true painting...apparently that's illegal.

  1. A state of open, armed, often prolonged conflict carried on between nations, states, or parties. THIS MEANS WAR!

  1. I put it in a folder, but to my surprise when I took it out it wasn't folded at all!

  1. When the clerk asked paper or plastic, I said, "Neither, the basketball is made rubber."

  1. People who say machines aren't alive should tell that to a respirator!

  1. I've been searching for the lungs in all my clothes that supposedly "breathe."

  1. Someone stole my case, but I didn’t have any evidence to sue…so I didn’t have a case.

  1. I wrote a letter to a friend, but he didn't understand what ‘J’ meant.

  1. I bought one of those novelty shaking globes in Iraq and dead infidels rain down, it's mesmerizing.

  1. I don't cry over spilled milk, but I make the little kids that spill it cry, they need to learn!

  1. I decided to continue writing my book. Yes, that was the novel thing to do.

  1. If we took everything with a grain of salt, we'd be very dehydrated.

  1. Life is like a box of stereotypes, you never know which one you'll be.

  1. I wish I had insight; I'd love to see what my organs look like.

  1. I really want to kill everyone, but maybe I'm just Russian it.

  1. I got into a street fight the other day, and let me tell you Lexington Boulevard is one tough cookie.

  1. Hope can only get you so far, it’s a high powered bazooka that gets you the rest of the way.

  1. I’m going to the casino, you can bet on it!

  1. After beating some sense into myself, I realized I couldn’t learn anything from brain damage.

  1. A crossbow is an angry bow.

  1. It’s a common misconception that Roosters crow because its morning. Actually, they crow to defend us from the sun demons ready to pounce on our unsuspecting planet. You see, the shrill sound of the Rooster causes the demons to attack each other producing such powerful light that we like to call morning. So when you really think about it, the Rooster is the sole reason for our survival.

  1. Fat people are lucky they can lose weight and make money off of it in thousands of endorsements.

  1. I covered up all of my deep dark secrets. They were cold.

  1. Hmm, the moment has passed. Oh, boy there it is again!

  1. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but since it happened in Chicago let the stories regale.”

  1. I killed a man, and got the chair. He just refused to give it to me, what else was I to do?

  1. He was at the end of his rope, so he went to the store to buy another one.

  1. Every zone must be a no fly zone because I just can't do it!

  1. Mom told me to turn the volume down, but the TV wasn't on so I told Brad Pitt to shut up.

  1. I hate candle-light dinners hot wax tastes awful.

  1. In golf, you hit a tiny white ball. In baseball, you hit a larger ball with stitches, after that it just gets weird...

  1. My favorite brand of bottled water is, “I can’t believe it’s not H2O.”

  1. Marriage is the worst thing that can happen to someone. Unless you were paralyzed from the waist down...and married.

  1. I repeat things as a force of habit. I repeat things as a force of habit. I repeat things as a force of habit. I repeat things as a force of habit. I repeat things as a force of habit.

  1. Aqua Man is losing his touch, now there's a Prince of Whales.

  1. Stupid nicotine, I tried the patch but it just messed up my eyesight.

  1. The Sun will come out tomorrow, so long as I don't get there first!

  1. Most of Missouri is depressed.

  1. I mixed Poison Ivy with Poison Oak and created a Poison Shrub.

  1. I got in big trouble with my "Out Killing Time" sign, someone crossed out the Time.

  1. I invented a new superhero. He wears a long white garment and dons a silvery reflective bandanna. His power is to stop disease and repair the wounded. I call him Doctor.

  1. ...Do lions that have a sex change become felions?

  1. I planted birdseed and was disappointed to find birds didn’t grow from them.

  1. I was walking on thin ice after I got the cold shoulder.

  1. They said what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. But it would have been nice to know the Moon was going to crash into the Earth!

  1. You know, most of these lists end on a 1.

  1. A wise man once said, “There’s nothing more exhilarating than killing a man.” They stopped calling him a wise man after he said that in a court of law.

  1. Don't buy Girl Scout cookies! You're only promoting their fascist war against the Keebler Elves!

  1. It's a myth that the Indians used all of the Buffalo. They never touched the Buffalo wings after it was dead.

  1. You sunk my Friendship!

  1. My rain-check bounced.

  1. Why are great things “to die for?” I would say “to live for” so I could do it again!

  2. Ghandi taught us many things, but one thing no one gives him credit for was his amazing diet plan, all you have to do is stop eating!


  4. I'm a little teapot short and shut up stop making fun of me.

  5. A picture is worth a thousand meaningless misinterpretations.

  6. Nothing says “I love you” like a bag filled with toenails.

  7. I made a stand against shotty wheelchair manufacturing.

  8. How do people have so much time on their hands? I have to buy my clocks.

  9. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and landed on Carmen Sandiego finally catching that wench!

  10. I got a piece of string for my pawn shop.

  11. I had a leg up on the competition. Though, I was competing against amputees.

  12. Robbing Baker's Square was a piece of pie. I really should have taken the money though.

  13. 1 fish 2 fish red fish bl....wait red fish? What the hell kind of fish is that?

  14. There was this thing on my TV that said “T-Storm Watch.” I can't believe it's watching me! There's just no privacy anymore.

  15. How do people fit in there, it's called the Gap!

  16. I learned how to hunt from a seasoned veteran. He's 82 and covered in pepper.

  17. I just blocked out the word repressed.

  18. The erector set didn't do what I thought it would.

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