The moon rose in the early morning on the island of Iowa. The gods soon realized they had made a mistake. Quickly, the gods lowered the moon and the sun rose starting a new day. Mighty Zeus was angered by the incompetence of the sun god and called him forth. “Sun god,” he yelled at the top of his voice.

The sun god slowly walked through the gates of Zeus. “Yes, your magnificent majesty of things that are living?”

“Your sunrise was late!”

Taking off his night cap the sun god responded. “Yes sir, it was late. I’m sorry sir.”

“And what is your excuse for this miserable injustice?”

The sun god began to smile. “It wasn’t me.” They both looked at each other, and busted out with laughter.

“That one will never get old,” said the stupidly happy Zeus. “Go on, continue with the morning, oh, sun god.” The sun god nodded and left. Zeus sat on his cloud chair labeled with the number nine. He then turned on his television with pay per view of Iowa. There he saw Tele son of Idissious waking up, ready to start a new day.

In walked Tele’s maid Cindy. There, she saw Tele, asleep as usual. “Wake up Tele, those suitors are making my job way too hard. You said you’d get them out today. But yet you sleep here, doing nothing to help. Your mother cannot handle the constant harassment from these suitors. She is constantly swooning everywhere. How would you feel if she swooned in the bath tub one day and died?” The maid noticed Tele had not moved a muscle in his bed. Angered by this, Cindy took the pitcher of water from Tele’s breakfast and splashed it all over his bed. Slowly, Tele awoke. “You’ve done it again Tele. I can’t believe you, especially at this age.” Tele looked around, and then he peered under his sheets. Groaning Tele got out of his bed. “You wet your bed again Tele, I can’t keep cleaning that.”

Wiping his eyes, he responded. “I know I’m sorry.”

“And you woke up late again Tele, you need to rid us of these suitors.”

“How come my alarm clock didn’t go off?”

The maid snapped at him, “Because they haven’t been invented yet!”

“Oh, yes of course, I’m sorry.”

The maid looked around and sighed in relief. “Now get dressed and tend to this suitor matter.”

Tele dried off and put on his shoes and Arizona jeans. Then his found his ‘down with democracy’ T-shirt and went to his door. “Don’t worry Cindy, those suitors will be gone by tomorrow.” He opened the door, but it stopped midway. A noise was heard through the door. Curiously, Tele shut the door and opened it several times. He heard the noise again and again. He finally opened the door to see his mother, Pineapplebee, standing in the doorway holding her head. “Mother,” Tele said in surprise. She tried to get her bearings, and wondered where she was.

She began to sob, “I’m sorry son. I guess I must have swooned by your door. It’s just that I miss Idissious so much.” Tele has heard this speech for the past twenty years. “I can’t believe he is still gone. Oh where could he be?” Tele has learned how to cut this rant short over the years.

He pointed behind Pineapplebee and yelled, “There he is mom!” Pineapplebee turned around and swooned to the floor. Tele dusted off his hands, “Works every time.”

Tele went down the hall feeling satisfied with himself. He built up his energy to talk with the suitors as he went down the winding staircase. Each step he took was another step of motivation. Soon, he realized it wasn’t motivation, but the Mexican food he had the other night coming back for him. Tele raced to the bathroom as fast as he could.

After he finished his business, he still had one more thing to do. He found the suitors eating away in the dining room. The room was teeming with noise as Tele went inside. Tele tried to get a word in. He spoke to no avail though. Nothing he said was heard.

Then he got an idea, “Zeus is dead!” Tele yelled at the top of his lungs. The room went to a dead silence. Some began to cry, others swooned. Some realized that Zeus was immortal and began to laugh. Tele found a nearby podium and began to speak. “Now that I have your attention, I want you all to leave. You have eaten all of our food; I haven’t had my Pops in days. My Ego waffles are no where to be found, and my Lucky Charms are no longer lucky. By the will of the gods, you are to leave at once. The great Idissious will return, and I would hate to see what he’ll do if he finds you here.” He paused for a moment. “Okay, I lied; I would love to see what he’ll do to you.”

One of the larger suitors stood up. “We don’t want to leave. We have it too good here. Free food, free maid service working to our every command. On top of that, we can’t take care of ourselves. We are much too lazy. It took a great deal of effort just to stand up.”

Tele lost all energy and self-esteem. He started to leave. “This isn’t over, and I’m not leaving because I am too lazy to argue.”

A tall and skinny suitor stood up. “Then why are you leaving? Is it because you want to find your daddy? The one you so claim to still be alive? I laugh at your proposal, laugh I do.” The tall and skinny suitor began to laugh.

A short suitor stood up, but few could tell. “You see, he tells the truth, just look his laughter.” Everyone agreed. Tele had a lump in his throat as he stood in the doorway.

He spoke with a whimper, “You don’t know me, you don’t know anything. You’re just a bunch of guys that eat and sleep and want my mother, which is really gross by the way. You’ll get what’s coming to you, which if you didn’t already know is a beating, or a Ford Mustang. You all turned in your contest slips right?” The room was filled with a resounding ‘yes.’ “Good, because that’s what you get, a poorly made product from Ford, you’ll be sorry.” Tele ran out of the House of Idissious, crying as he went.

Tele went to the place he always went to when he cried. He called it his ‘thinking spot that was private and secluded.’ It was the entire eastern shore of Iowa, all owned by Idissious. There Tele lay on the beach sobbing to himself about his failures. Unable to rid the House of Idissious from the suitors Tele looked about to find an answer, something that would tell him how to conquer his fears and save his family. He looked to the ocean that lay before him. He blew his nose into his sleeve for some bit of relief, though he found none now that his shirt was soaked in his own snot. There, in the distance he could see the waters of the ocean stir. It grew high like a wave but it was motionless. Upwards it went, and then a loud splash was heard along with much laughter. There he saw the answers to all his problems. It was the goddess Athena. He was a bit worried if the stories he heard about this goddess were true. The laughter covered the air and sent shivers up Tele’s spine. She donned a red garment that went down to her ankles. Her eyes were green and crazy looking. She advanced towered Tele. Atop the water, she walked as if it were the ground. Since it wasn’t, she fell into the ocean and flailed around yelling many ancient profanities. The crazy-eyed goddess made her way over to Tele. Soaking wet and very perturbed, she stood over the sobbing Tele. She was about to speak when she saw a bird flying by. Her crazy eyes followed it, she laughed maniacally, and the bird blew up in a poof of feathers. Tele cleared his throat at the crazy-eyed goddess Athena.

Startled, Athena looked to Tele. “Yes of course, I am the crazy-eyed goddess Athena.” Tele couldn’t tell if that was good or bad. He was hoping for Hermes but he didn’t complain.

“Why have you come to the shores of Iowa, oh, great goddess of crazy doings?”

The goddess responded, “I am here to help you get rid of those suitors Tele.”

Tele began to sob even more. “But they are so whiny and helpless, how can we ever overcome such an obstacle?”

Athena laughed out loud, “It’s always hopeless with you humans isn’t it? Giving up before it even starts. Well, I’ll tell you that I have foreseen the coming of Idissious and the end of the suitors.”

Tele seemed confused, “But you don’t foresee, that isn’t your goddess power. You’re just a nut who devises crazy plans that seem to work in your favor.”

Athena pondered for a moment, “Well when you are right you’re right. Either way I have come with information and a crazy plan that will eventually work out the way I wanted it to. You must have a debate in front of the town with the suitors. Meanwhile I will set up a ship for you to sail to Sparta in. There you will find a king named Menahenalenaous. There your answers will be given about Idissious.” Tele looked up at the soaking wet crazy-eyed goddess Athena, and smiled. Athena looked back at him with a confused appearance on her face. “What, do I have something hanging from my nose? What is the matter? Stop looking at me that way.” The soaking wet, confused, crazy-eyed goddess ran back to the ocean screaming and laughing, then disappeared into the deep blue.

Tele had no idea what just happened. He did know what the silly plan that Athena created was, and what he had to do. With a sense of new hope, Tele got up and left his shore of sorrow. Tele made his way back to his home and to the vile suitors that still inhabited it.

Book 2

The sun rose correctly on the morning of Tele’s debate. He awoke on time and Cindy came through the door. “So, the young master is awake, and on time. What a surprise. So tell me Tele, what is your plan for getting rid of the suitors today?”

Tele went to his closet and answered her. “I had a goddess come to me yesterday Cindy.” Tele was giddy with excitement. Cindy dropped what she was doing and went over to Tele. She put her hand on his forehead and felt for a fever.

“Are you okay Tele, has the pressure finally gotten to you? I always knew you were too young to handle the laziness of the suitors. They are much too lazy for anyone to handle and I should never have let you try.” Cindy jumped on Tele’s bed and began to cry. Tele shrugged and opened his closet door. Out fell Pineapplebee and there was a thunderous thud heard throughout the room. There Pineapplebee lay, unconscious. Tele shrugged again and reached for his titanium steel armor. It was ridiculously big for a man of Tele’s stature, but he put it on just the same. He knew if this debate got serious there would be things thrown at him. Tele was going to be prepared.

Tele gathered all the suitors at the center of Iowa, which was just two blocks down and to the right. It took several hours for all the suitors to show. Tele grew tired waiting at his podium. Most of the town had already shown up. They had their popcorn and soda drinks and were ready to go. Vaguely, down the road Tele could see the suitor’s chariots making their way over to him. They all filed out of their chariots and took front row seats. The tall, the fat, and short suitors all took their respective places on the opposite podiums from Tele. The three would represent the suitors as a whole. The debate had begun.

Tele made his opening statement. “People of Iowa, long has my father Idissious served you to his fullest. He brought you wealth and prosperity through the years. Respect is the least of things to ask for him in such times. Apparently that is too much to ask for some.” All the suitors looked around wondering whom he was talking about. Tele spotted this and groaned. “I mean those lazy suitors that consume all they see in the House of Idissious. Free they are to roam in my home for my mother picks none of them for her own.”

The tall and skinny suitor responded. “That’s exactly right Dr. Seuss, and that’s why we remain. Pineapplebee is still hopeful for the great Idissious to return after all these years. She needs to get over it and pick a new king for the greater good of Iowa.” The town cheered at the suitor’s cleaver words.

“You make a really good point, oh, tall and skinny suitor. However the great Idissious will return, thereby terminating the use of you and your fellow suitors.” The crowd cheered Tele and his wise ways.

The fat suitor made it to his feet. “Still the hopeful one, aren’t you Tele? What sort of evidence could you possibly have for such an idea? Idissious has not been seen for twenty years since the great battle of Troy. He is dead Tele, if that will not sink in then there was a good reason Zeus protested your kingly hood as much as he did.” The town of Iowa cheered again.

Tele got irritated. “I have called you all here for more than just the matter of the suitors. I am leaving Iowa in search of my father. The crazy Athena has summoned me to go on this journey. She has seen my father’s coming into the shores of Sparta. That’s where I am to set out. I need volunteers who will risk their life to find Idissious.” The crowd cheered again. This time they stopped midway and realized that they cheered for the wrong thing.

The short suitor went to his podium. No one saw him there and continued to murmur among themselves. The Short suitor pulled his chair over and stood on top of it. There he could see his audience. “Tele, what sort of crazy plan have you conjured here? Do you expect us to believe that the great Athena is in this with you?” Tele lowered his head. Up in the sky an eagle swooped down. All looked up at it in awe. A loud maniacal laughter filled the sky. The eagle blew up in a poof of feathers. Everyone gasped but an old man who stood up. It was the birdman capable of reading bird patterns to tell the future. All noticed the birdman that everyone in the town knew and loved.

“People of Iowa, I understand what has just happened here. The eagle’s explosion tells of a man deep in the recesses of the world that will come to this land after many years and trials. None shall recognize him, but it will be Idissious. He will go to his house and reclaim it with a game that only he can complete. He will brutally slaughter each suitor that stands in his way. They will all die a bloody, horrible death that none would bear to take. The mess will take weeks to clean, and the maids will be angry. Pineapplebee will swoon at the sight of this mess of intestines and fluid from these suitors splattered against the walls and floor of the House of Idissious. Afterwards, Idissious will be with his love once again and they all live happily ever after, except for the suitors who will die a miserable death, and suffer for all eternity in the underworld.” The crowd cheered on the prophesier of birds. The suitors began throwing up their breakfast all over the center of Iowa.

The tall and skinny suitor held his wits. “People of Iowa, this man is insane. He cannot predict the end of this story no matter how hard he tries. If he did that, it would be really boring for the reader.” The town agreed.

Tele smiled, “Then it is done. I shall go to the land of Sparta and wait for the day of my fathers return and the bloody mess that he will make. Goodbye to all, I shall see you shortly.”

Tele and the suitors returned to the house of Idissious. Tele strapped on his remaining armor and gathered his things. Athena appeared behind him, “Boo!” Startled, Tele dropped his armor plating on his foot. He danced around for a while holding his foot. The crazy-eyed Athena laughed to herself. “I have for you a ship son of Idissious. It is at the docks along with a crew that I found.”

Tele glared at Athena. “You just found a crew?”

Athena laughed, “Some say found, others say a very large net. Either way you have a crew at your disposal.” Tele was disturbed by this. “Follow me Tele, I will take you there. On one condition though, you have to catch me first.” Tele seemed confused. Athena laughed and ran out of the room. Tele took his things as he ran after her. At the bottom of the stairs, Athena tripped over Pineapplebee.

Tele looked down the stairs and laughed. “She picks the best places to swoon.” Tele ran down the stairs and caught the crazy Athena. Athena stomped the floor and had Tele follow her outside.

At the docks, Athena pointed out the ship for Tele. There he saw a bunch of men flailing about inside a giant net. After he put his things away, Tele told the crew to trust him and this journey will be one of a life time. It wasn’t much of a speech, but after being in a net for eight hours, anything sounded good. The crew agreed to go with Tele and Athena. So off they went into the deep blue to Sparta.

Book 3

Tele and Athena had set out for Sparta. Across the vast ocean to their destination, to meet with Menahenalenaous to confirm the whereabouts of Idissious. Tele was taking in the misty air of the ocean when Athena came up behind him. She seemed lost and confused. “I do not recognize this part of the ocean Tele. Where is the map that will guide us to the land of Sparta?”

Tele glared at her angrily. “You must be joking. A goddess of your high authority does not know where we are and expects a map. We did not bring a map on this journey with the guidance of a goddess.”

Athena began to get angry. “You fool; you went out to sea without a map. That’s like skydiving without a parachute.” Tele looked to the sky and wondered how it could dive. He shrugged and looked out as far as he could. There in the distance he saw a dove. He had an idea. He would use the dove to search for land and bring back an olive branch. It had to be an olive branch; otherwise, this method just doesn’t work. He informed the helmsman to head for the dove. They moved near it. A loud laughter was heard and the dove blew up in a poof of feathers.

Tele gave the crazy-eyed goddess another angry look. “You really have to stop doing that you know.”

“It’s a force of habit. I can’t help it. They are always following me, it gives me the creeps.”

Tele groaned, “Did you ever think there are just a lot of birds in this world and they just happen to be wherever you look?”

Athena stood frozen for a moment. “No, they are following me, I just know it.”

Tele couldn’t believe what he was hearing out of this crazy goddess. He yelled to his lookout man. “Do you see any land, oh, lookout?”

With the telescope in his eye, he answered. “Aye captain, there is land off the port vow.”

Tele scratched his head. “In English please.”

The lookout pointed, “There is land right there sir.” Tele turned around to see that they were about to crash into shore. Tele thought Poseidon was playing games with him. The crazy-eyed Athena laughed out loud and disappeared from the ship. They landed in Sparta.

Meanwhile, back in the house of Idissious, the suitors were plotting. The tall and skinny suitor spoke to the rest as they ate the remaining corn puffs. “Hear me suitors, I feel that Tele is plotting to kill us all. Something doesn’t make sense, why would he go to Sparta to find Idissious? We all know Idissious is a Michigan Wolverine fan and not a fan of the Spartans.” All the suitors nodded.

The fat suitor spoke, “You are right, oh, tall and skinny of the suitors. I also sense something fishy going on.”

The tall suitor moaned, “That’s because you’re eating those Japanese import corn puffs that taste like fish.”

The fat suitor read the bag. “Yes, you’re right. Wise as always, oh, tall and skinny suitor.”

The short suitor spoke, “We must devise a plan to stop Tele and his evil ploy to rid us from the House of Idissious.” They all paused in deep thought. The short suitor came up with an idea. “Maybe this is a bad scheme. It takes too much work for such careful planning, and we are all so very lazy. Perhaps we should just wait for our end to come; you know that bloody mess of an end that we are all expecting.” A resounding ‘yes’ was heard throughout the room. They all resumed their eating.

Back in the land of Sparta, Tele finished his unpacking. In the distance, he could see the castle owned by the great king Menahenalenaous. The wise and all knowing Menahenalenaous surely will have all the answers that Tele is looking for. He and his crew made their way up the winding hill that led to the front gates. They were generously welcomed by the castle guards, and they let them in. There, in the dark ominous halls of the castle, Menahenalenaous stood in the far back waiting for his guests. He snapped his fingers and Tele and his crew were swarmed by maids taking their things. The maids dispersed, and Tele felt almost naked without his belongings. He looked down and realized he had a right to feel naked. The maids got a little overzealous, and Tele covered up behind a curtain near the door.

Menahenalenaous spoke, “Oh maids, you’ve done it again. Always trying harder than you should, that’s the last time I order my maids from Russia.” They came back and re-clothed Tele. Menahenalenaous greeted his guests properly as he beckoned them into his dining room. They all sat down in preparation for a feast. Menahenalenaous spoke to the group, “You have all traveled many miles, and encountered many birds to meet me. I would like to know the reason you have traveled here to my kingdom?”

Tele stood up and spoke. “We have heard you obtain the knowledge of what happened to the great Idissious. We are distant reporters that need to know of his journey, if, and where it ended.”

Menahenalenaous looked stunned at the question. “Well I do know of Idissious, he was a close friend of mine. After the battle of Troy, I lost track of him. I do know that he left the battle alive, but where he went is unknown to me. It has been many years since the battle. I am surprised to hear he never made it home to Iowa.”

Tele slowly sat down when he heard this incomplete news. He looked as if he were to cry. The maids came in with many plates of food and set the table. Menahenalenaous spoke to his guests, “I am sorry for the lack of information, but for now, enjoy all that I have laid before you.” Tele started to cry out loud. His sobbing was uncontrollable. His whining could be heard throughout the castle. Menahenalenaous glared at his maids. “I told you not to set the onion plate in front of our guests!” The maids quickly took the onion plate away from Tele. He was still sobbing however. Menahenalenaous looked at him suspiciously. “What is your name, oh, reporting traveler from afar?”

Tele glanced up whipping his eyes, “My name is Tele, son of Idissious.”

“Just as I thought, only the son of Idissious would feel so heart felt over the news of his father. I’m glad you are here Tele. I hold Idissious in the highest regards. If the laws bid it so, I would worship him instead of Zeus. Please you must stay with us and listen to the tales of your father and perhaps some of your own. We shall have a grand time together.” Tele nodded knowing that he needs to be here for at least a year to hear word of Idissious. “Good, enjoy the meal tonight and rest in our disturbingly purple beds. They are so purple that your dreams will be horribly disfigured.” The crew cheered for the great king who has a thing for purple beds.

Book 4

High in the sky of Mount Olympus, Athena begged to her father Zeus. “Oh, mighty couch potato Zeus, Idissious needs to make it home, but the evil Kaleidoscope has him on her island without a way to escape. He is unaware of the time that he has spent there and must leave to continue his journey back to Pineapplebee.”

Zeus tried to fan her away with his hand, “Wait for commercials honey. Daddy is trying to watch his stories.” Athena pouted as she saw Hermes playing catch with himself behind Zeus.

She got an idea. “Hermes, come over here would you?” Hermes cautiously went over to the crazy goddess Athena. He knows all too well what she can do and wasn’t going to take any chances. The last time she showed interest in Hermes, he found himself waking up in a vat of cat nip. “Hermes, would you do me a favor? Could you go down to Kaleidoscope and make her release Idissious from her tiny island.”

Hermes pondered for a moment. “What’s in it for me Athena? What does Hermes have coming to him?” Athena wondered why everyone thought she was crazy; she doesn’t talk about herself in third person.

“I don’t have anything for you, but I will tell daddy what you did in the Olympics.”

Hermes pulled at his collar. “You wouldn’t Athena, you don’t have the guts.”

“Just watch me.” She went over to Zeus watching his public broadcasting program. Hermes grabbed her and agreed to her proposal. Athena laughed aloud, and then she paused for a moment, and looked around in the sky for a bird. She didn’t see one and continued her laughter.

Hermes raced out of Mount Olympus and headed for Kaleidoscope’s island. His feet moved so quickly he went over the waters. He made it to the island in twelve seconds as he stopped his stopwatch when he landed on the shore. “The Olympics will never know what hit them this year,” he said to himself happily. There he saw the cave where Kaleidoscope lives.

As he entered, he saw Kaleidoscope brushing her hair in front of a large mirror. The entire wall was a mirror. Hermes spoke as manly as he could from afar, “Kaleidoscope, I have come from Mount Olympus to seek the great Idissious. He must return home to his Pineapplebee at once, by order of Athena the crazy-eyed goddess.” Kaleidoscope did not move a muscle besides the ones she was using to brush her hair. Hermes was infuriated, he moved closer to the beautiful Kaleidoscope. She continued to brush. Hermes had an idea. “Oh no, Kaleidoscope, is that a split end?” Kaleidoscope instantly stopped brushing. She threw her hairbrush down and met face to face with the mirror. She eyed it as closely as she could, looking at all the angles. Hermes laughed, “Tell me where Idissious is and I’ll tell you where the split end is.”

Kaleidoscope veered away from the mirror and pouted at Hermes. “Alright, you have a deal Hermes, god of speed and Olympic fraud.” Hermes smiled at this as Kaleidoscope led him out the backside of the cave where they found Idissious basking away in the sun. “There now you have him, where is my split end?”

Hermes turned to her, “Why, it was simply a figment of my imagination. The only split end I see here is your ego Kaleidoscope.” Angered by this, Kaleidoscope went back to her mirror.

Hermes approached Idissious, who was now bathing in a hot spring. “Idissious, you must return to Iowa at once. Your people need you as does your wife.” Idissious was startled to see someone watching as he bathed. He jumped and covered up with a nearby fig leaf.

Idissious got out of the hot spring and looked Hermes over. “You must be Hermes, god of speed and Olympic fraud.”

Hermes nodded, “That’s right; I have come to set your travels back home into action. You’ve been here much too long and your people worry.”

Idissious snorted and began to laugh. “Look at where I am Hermes. Do you see an airport, or perhaps a taxi service? No, of course you don’t, because there isn’t one. How do you expect me to get home without some sort of transportation?” There was a loud whoosh sound as Hermes departed. He came back in an instant and threw down a raft with a tiny sail on it.

“There you go your kingship. A raft that will serve you better than it did its former master.”

Idissious gazed at him, “And just who was its former master?”

Hermes stuttered a bit, “Well a small boy, with a remote controller. It was his toy boat, but it is suitable enough to travel with.”

Idissious shrugged. “Fine Hermes, I will return. However, the waters are not too fond of me as late. I upset Poseidon some time ago, and he still holds it against me.”

Hermes chuckled at this, “Join the club Idissious, there isn’t anyone Poseidon likes. Good luck on your travels.”

“Wait a minute, couldn’t you just take me with you. You are so fast, I could get home instantly.”

Hermes shook his head, “It wouldn’t be an epic poem if I did that now would it?” Idissious agreed, and Hermes vanished back to Mount Olympus.

Idissious took the toy raft to shore and headed out. It began to storm soon after his departure. He just knew Poseidon was on his tail. Idissious saw a large wave in the distance.

Something was calling to him, “Idissious, you must swim to shore. Abandon your raft.” Idissious wondered what was calling to him. Whatever it was couldn’t be very practical. The wave drew near. Idissious clung to his raft as the wave towered over him. Quickly he put on his life jacket and jumped into the ocean just as the wave crushed his raft.

For days, it seemed like Idissious swam. Miles and miles of water was all he could see. There, in the distance, he saw his savior. It was bright and shiny floating in the ocean. The glimmer it gave off was that of the gods. He waved to it, a spotlight shown down on Idissious. The coast guard had spotted him. They made their way over to him. Idissious had been saved.

They called to him from their boat, “Hey you, what are you doing down there?”

Idissious responded sarcastically, “Oh just experiencing what it feels like to be stranded!”

The coast guard understood, “Alright then, it just looked like you needed some help.” They left in a flash, as Idissious floated in the ocean stunned. He couldn’t believe the ignorance of the coast guard.

After he drifted a little more he started to hallucinate. Soon after, he passed out with his head above water. Idissious soon floated ashore on a nearby land. He woke up, and peered around. He took off his life jacket and stood up. Idissious noticed some locals that had gathered around him. There was a beautiful girl that stood out in front.

“What is your name traveler?”

Idissious answered the best he could, “It’s Idissious. I need to find a ship so I can return to Iowa. Do you know of a place that I might find one?”

The beautiful girl pointed up toward a tavern. “There you will find the best shipmen around. You must be careful, they are a dangerous bunch, but they love stories.” Idissious nodded. As he went toward the tavern, he heard the girls behind him begin to laugh. He ignored it and ventured onwards.

Before he made it to the tavern, he felt a draft. He noticed the tides had torn away his clothing. The last thing he wanted was for the tavern people to see him naked. He went around back and saw a man smoking near a tree. Idissious scanned the man top to bottom. He noticed that he was an exact match in size and proportion. Idissious grinned as he drew near the unsuspecting man. “I need your clothes,” Idissious said, almost robotically. The man at the tree laughed at the sight of Idissious. Idissious picked the man up with one hand and threw him into the tree. He knocked the man unconscious, and took his clothing. Inside his jacket pocket, Idissious pulled out a pair of sunglasses which he promptly put on.

Idissious made his way into the tavern where he hoped to find a ship. Inside he saw many men around tables, all telling stories of the past. He found one table that was quiet and solemn. He went to that one figuring it needed a story to be heard. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” They all looked at Idissious furiously. Idissious wondered if this table was quiet because the man currently telling a story went out for a smoking break. Idissious smiled and sat down. “How would you guys like to hear a tale of a great king who went on many adventures?” They all looked at each other and nodded. “Good then, I’ll tell you on one condition. When I’m finished, you have to take me back to Iowa.”

The man near the back of the table spoke, “If we like the story then so be it.” Idissious agreed, and so the tales of Idissious were told.

Book 5

Idissious and his men were coming back from the tremendous battle of Troy when they realized they were out of supplies, and someone had lost the map. One of Idissious’s high ranking officials came to him in his quarters. “Idissious, we are out of supplies and someone lost the map.”

Annoyed by this Idissious responded, “We’ve been over this Cantor. Have you found land yet?”

“Yes sir we have, but we are afraid to land without the knowledge of our location.”

Idissious grunted, “Worry not my comrade, set a course for this land. We shall find food and shelter. Maybe even a giant Cyclops of sorts.” Cantor agreed and ran out to tell the helmsman. Idissious’s ship soon made it to this forbidden land.

They filed out of the ship and walked along the shore. Idissious spotted a sign posted near a cave. It read, “The forbidden land, home of a giant Cyclops. Beware!” With his crew behind him searching about, Idissious turned the sign around to face the cave. He wrote on the back of the sign which now read, “Welcome travelers to my wonderful cave. Take what you need and have a good day.” He finished writing and called to his crew. “Everyone, over here quick, I have found shelter.” His crew rushed to him and they all entered the cave.

Inside they saw many things. A closet filled with gold and riches. There was a large pile of sheep and food in the back. Idissious found another closet filled with skulls and crossbones, which he promptly shut and locked. “Let us take what we need men,” said the nervous Idissious. The crew cheered as they grabbed what they wanted. Idissious found a sword of gold near the sheep and food. As he went over to it, but thunderous thud was heard near the entrance. All of Idissious’s men stopped in their tracks. A large ominous Cyclops guarded the entrance. “I should have seen that coming,” said Idissious.

The Cyclops found a boulder and blocked the entrance. He turned to the men and smiled. “Hello travelers. What might you be doing in my cave?”

Idissious answered, “We ran out of supplies and found this cave. We thought it to be abandoned so we decided to take what was inside.”

The Cyclops scratched his head. “But didn’t you see the sign I had posted outside. Beware and all that sort of thing?” Idissious laughed, his crew turned and glared at him. He waved and swallowed hard. The giant Cyclops sat down by the boulder. “No matter, I’ve always wanted friends. Will you be my friend?”

“Well sure, why not. Are we agreed men?” They gave Idissious a solemn nod.

“Good then, you are just in time for tea. Let’s have a tea party.”

The big Cyclops got his tea set and table. He tossed away his stuffed animals and dusted off the chairs. “Come men, sit down tell me of your tales.” Idissious had a bad feeling about this. The Cyclops poured each of the men some tea. Idissious got an idea; he went for the sugar bags he saw in the middle of the table. He whispered to Cantor to distract the Cyclops. Cantor agreed, and asked the Cyclops if he could show him around the cave. The Cyclops was giddy with excitement and led Cantor around the cave. Meanwhile Idissious filled the Cyclops’s tea with all the sugar packets he had.

They soon came back laughing as they sat back down at the table. “Oh Cantor, you are quite the guy,” said the over enthusiastic Cyclops.

“You too, you big lug.” They all took a sip of their tea. Idissious watched the Cyclopes closely. He noticed his eye was turning red. The Cyclops’s leg started to twitch. The table fell over, and he created an earthquake in the cave. The crew fell over and started running away. Idissious stood his ground as the sugar high Cyclops stomped all about. He smashed the table, and flailed on some of the crew. The Cyclops tripped into the boulder, and it popped out into the sea. He danced and yelled quotes from Happy Days. The sugar high Cyclops had no idea where he was. Idissious called for his crew to run out of the cave.

The Cyclops turned to Idissious, “What is your name human, for my father is Poseidon the god of the ocean. I need to know your name so that he may strike vengeance upon you.”

Idissious couldn’t resist, “My name is Idissious, king of Iowa.” Then he and his crew dashed to the ship and sailed away.

Book 6

Escaping with only half of his crew and the remaining tea bags, Idissious sailed westward. What he thought was westward anyway; they had lost their compass as well. Idissious noticed that he was missing his helmsman and his lookout. Which were two essential positions of any ship. Idissious called for Cantor. He came running for he was still hyper from the sugar he put in his tea. “Yes sir, what do you command?”

“I would like to put Sam on lookout and Billy in as helmsman.”

Cantor looked confused. “But sir, Sam is blind and Billy is deaf.”

Idissious snapped at him, “Do not discriminate just because they lack a few god given abilities. They deserve a chance just like the rest of us do.” Cantor nodded, and went to set up their positions.

Idissious stood at the front of his ship admiring the ocean. He took in a deep breath of the ocean air and went to his quarters. A few hours passed and the ship shook, it felt like it split apart. Idissious rushed out of his room and looked about. The waves grew high and mighty. Idissious realized he shouldn’t have told the Cyclops his name. The helmsman couldn’t hear the waves and the lookout never saw them coming. Idissious had been making some very poor choices lately. The wave crashed down on his ship and broke it to pieces.

A glimmer of light caught the eye of Idissious as he woke up on another shore. He wondered where all of this land was coming from. He saw a few of his crew members scattered around him. He yelled for them to wake up. They all stood up and looked at the land before them. They saw a castle that almost looked like the Magical Kingdom at Disney Land. Idissious told his men to go to the castle.

They were greeted by a gorgeous maiden. She had something about her that seemed odd. Idissious couldn’t put his finger on it as he introduced himself. “I am Idissious king of Iowa. I have been stranded on many lands and look to go home. Could you offer us a ship and perhaps a map of some kind?”

The gorgeous maiden smiled. “Slow down Idissious. I have not properly introduced myself. I am Lugie, and the ruler of this land.” She paused to sneeze in her Kleenex. Idissious knew now what was strange about this maiden. She has a constant cold and few live on this island because of it. Lugie is also a talented witch who knows of many spells, so Idissious proceeded with caution.

Lugie led them into her Disney-like castle. “You must be hungry. Would you like to have a meal?” Idissious knew he was about to enter a dining room of some kind. He wondered if all castles were nothing but dining rooms. Lugie led them into her dining room where they all sat down happily waiting for food. Lugie left the group to get the dinner. Idissious looked around the room and saw nothing but a large chandelier above him. There was a fire that looked like an igloo opening at the end of the table. Lugie came back sneezing and snorting up a storm as she carried the plates into the room. Everyone began to lose their appetite. She set the food down and it smelled too good to resist. In a nasal tone Lugie spoke, “Enjoy the meal travelers, for it may be your last.”

Cantor sounded nervous, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lugie hesitated, “You never know when you might choke on something.” Cantor understood and began eating. Lugie went to Idissious and whispered something in his ear. Idissious got up and followed her into another room.

They went up a long and winding staircase. Lugie snorted and sneezed the whole way up. She stopped at the door near the top. They went into the small chamber and Lugie sat down on the chair near the window. “Come in, sit down Idissious.” Idissious hesitantly went in, afraid of the germs that might be lurking about. He sat on the stool he found next to Lugie. “So you need a ship to get home don’t you Idissious? Well, I’ll give you one on one condition.” She looked out the window and blew her nose. “I am a very lonely and sick self proclaimed Queen. I would much like some company for at least a year from you and your crew.”

Idissious was not about to stand for this request. “I am sorry madam, I cannot allow that. I have a wife and son I must return to at home. We need to leave as soon as possible.”

Lugie started to laugh, “You thought that was a request? As we speak my evil food is being consumed by your crew. They should be turning into random farm animals as we speak.”

Idissious busted a gut, “My crew would be better off as farm animals, they couldn’t run a ship if the gods helped them. Now about that ship and a map?”

Lugie seemed frustrated, “Fine, you may take my ship outside. But as for your map, I do not have one. You must travel to the underworld and find the blind prophet who no one can understand to get directions.”

Idissious groaned, “I don’t have that kind of time, there must be a shortcut.”

“Men never want to ask for directions.” Idissious ignored her and left the room.

He heard Lugie sneezing all the way down. He found his crew but none of them were farm animals at all. They were all bumping into things and one of them fell into the fire. He got an idea, maybe Lugie used the wrong food, and now his crew are a bunch of blind prophets. Idissious went up to Cantor. “Cantor, could you tell me the way to Iowa?”

Cantor looked around and felt for Idissious, “Is that you Idissious?”

“Yes it’s me Cantor. Can you see the way home?”

Cantor paused for a moment, “Yes I can see that and much more. You must travel in between a mountain pass where you will hear a bunch of singing choir folk. Their songs are very boring and might put you to sleep, you must be careful of them. From there, as long as you follow the rising sun in the east, you will land in Iowa.” Idissious lit up, and rushed for the door. Cantor continued to speak as Idissious left the Magical Kingdom.

He found the ship that Lugie spoke of behind the castle. Idissious put up the mast and set the oars. He pushed off of the land and set out into the east.

Book 7

Back at the tavern, Idissious continued to tell his tale. “From there I traveled into the east just as Cantor said. I fell asleep between the mountain pass where the choir folk sang. They are a very soothing bunch. I was out for eleven days when I awoke on the island of Kaleidoscope. Poseidon had wrecked my ship again, and I was stranded on that small place until Hermes came and sent me a raft he stole from a small defenseless boy. That’s how I came to be here and now I need a way to get home.” There was a crowd around Idissious, and they all started to clap. The clapping grew and they started to cheer. His story was the best the tavern had ever heard. The group at the table was stunned to hear such a tale.

The leader of the group stood up and silenced the tavern. “Idissious that was an amazing story, we will navigate you to your kingdom of Iowa.” They all stood up and walked out of the tavern. As they went down the hill, the crazy- eyed goddess watched. She saw them board the ship and sail off. Laughing maniacally, she disappeared back to Sparta where Tele slept on the purple beds.

She entered the room where Tele slept. Athena tried her best to wake the sleeping Tele. Nothing she did was successful. She found some water nearby and splashed it all over him. Tele woke up slowly, drearily he spoke, “Oh nuts, not again.” Athena laughed and Tele jumped out of his bed.

“You didn’t see anything. I never wet my bed and I never have. Now what do you want crazy-eyed goddess?”

“It is time to return to Iowa Tele. When you see the bearded man, welcome him into your home as if he were Idissious.” Tele nodded and they left the castle of Menahenalenaous. They set out for Iowa.

They made it back to the land where their journey begun. Tele’s ship was covered in feathers and Athena was looking all over the sky. Tele shook his head as he unloaded his things and went home. As he got off the ship Athena called to him, “Just remember Tele, welcome the bearded man.” Athena had disappeared for the last time.

Tele went back to his home and opened the door. All the lights were off as he entered. Something didn’t seem right. He got very nervous as he walked into the darkness. Tele gripped his sword at his side. All of the lights came on at once and the suitors yelled ‘surprise!’ Tele jumped back and swung his sword. The short suitor’s hair had been cut off. Pineapplebee swooned as she saw the blade.

The tall and skinny suitor tried to calm Tele, “Take a deep breath Tele. We only wanted to surprise you on your birthday.” Tele put his sword away. The short suitor picked up the hair off the ground and put it back on his head.

Tele got frustrated, “Go back to your meals. They may be the last you get.”

The fat suitor pointed behind Tele, “Is that a friend of yours Tele?”

Tele turned around confused only to see a bearded man in sunglasses. “Why yes, yes he is. Come in, oh, bearded man with sunglasses.”

The fat suitor interjected, “I’m glad you brought company, Pineapplebee was just about to announce the suitor of her choosing.”

The bearded man came in and spoke. “Seeing as Pineapplebee is incapacitated, I suggest a little game to prove which one of us is worthy for Pineapplebee.”

The suitors got angry, “What gives you the right to compete for Pineapplebee?”

The bearded man spoke in a very mysterious voice, “I am the great Idissious, and I have come to leave a bloody mess in my house.” All the suitors stood frozen in fear. “But instead, to prove that I am Idissious, we shall play a game that only Idissious was able to do.”

The tall and skinny suitor spoke, “And what game do you suggest?”

“We will juggle chainsaws,” said the bearded man who claimed to be Idissious. The suitors agreed.

One by one, each suitor tried to juggle the chainsaws. They each had failures of their own, but they all ended up the same. The suitors were soon all just a bloody mess smeared over the walls and floor of Idissious’s home. The tall and skinny suitor was the last to try. Before he did, he looked around and wondered to himself, “I should have known the juggling of chainsaws would lead to a bloody mess.” He picked up the chainsaws and started to juggle. It wasn’t long before the bearded man was the last one standing. Pineapplebee regained consciousness. Idissious picked up the chainsaws and juggled the night away. Tele watched in amazement for he knew now who the bearded man in the sunglasses was. It was Idissious all along. Pineapplebee watched Idissious juggle as long as she could before she swooned to the floor.

Two weeks later, the bloody mess was cleaned, and Idissious finished shaving his disturbingly long beard. Tele found Idissious finishing up in the bathroom. “Are you ready to see her yet?” Idissious got up and patted his son on the shoulder as he left the room. He went to his bedroom where Pineapplebee laid. Idissious peered over his wife.

Her eyes slowly opened as Idissious came into view. “I can’t believe you’re finally home. I have been waiting for years, swooning my life away over you.” She started to get angry, “You never even had the decency to give me a call or write to me.” She began to hit Idissious over the head. “Do you have any idea how that made me feel? You’re always thinking of yourself and no one else. Fighting this war, following your destiny, and never once thinking of me!” A strong light came through their window and she stopped to look at it. A small dove flew from the sky and landed on the windowsill. They both looked at each other and hugged. Suddenly they heard a maniacal laughter and the dove blew up in a poof of feathers. Watching in horror, Idissious and Pineapplebee swooned to the floor, happily ever after.

Fin.