4/28/08

Reports yesterday from the Albania Herald confirm that 38 mutants were killed in a recent car bombing. The attack occurred early in the morning as it is the best time to slay mutants. The mutants, as we are all well aware, are somehow attracted to cars left on and alone for several hours. They are even more attracted to it if it has the smell of explosives.

A mutant expert on the scene Larry Thompson had this to say:

"Mutants love cars. They don't understand how to drive them; they really don't even know what they do. But if a car is left on and alone you'd be hard pressed not to find mutants around it. This is a string of unfortunate events happening to the mutant community. They cannot express their fear or frustrations to us since no one understands mutant speech. This easily exploited weakness of theirs is a travesty and should be stopped immediately."

It should also be noted that Larry Thompson was brutally mauled by a band of mutants on his way home as he felt walking through mutant alley would be a sign of remorse for the 38 slain mutants.

The mutants made a memorial out of Larry Thompson where the car bombing occurred. His ligaments were strewn about the scene while investigators scrambled for high ground. The mutants then proceeded to gather around in a circle reminiscent of many Dr. Seuss books. They sang, and harvested what they could of the mutant remains. Harvested as in gained and attached new ligaments or organs, they are mutants after all not cannibals.

The mutant community has expressed their concerns to the public on many occasions, all of them incomprehensible or outright horrifying. From illegible picket signs, to what has been dubbed "The Throwing of the Mutant Puss" which normally occurs outside of Amish Barns and Dude Ranches, the mutants have tried their hand at making peace.

If it wasn't for their horrible looks, their weird practices, and utterly incomprehensible nature it is believed that someday humans and mutants can get along. But in the meantime, please arm yourselves to the teeth when walking down Mutant Alley.