The First Birth:
Translated in English for the first time
Woman: HELP ME!
Man: What’s wrong, what’s going on? Has the swelling gotten worse dear?
Woman: It popped!
Man: Popped? This is all my fault. I knew that eventually you would fill up. We really should
have found a different recreational activity…
Woman: Shut up and grab my hand!
Man: Why, does it hurt?
Woman: I’m splitting in two you idiot!
Man: Right, of course.
Woman: Arghh!
Man: Honey please, you’re squeezing too hard.
Woman: ARGHH!
Man: No dear, that would be harder! I’ll just take my hand back now. Oh, you’re
in pain, what should I do?
Woman: What’s going on down there? What do you see?
Man: A lot of warm liquid.
Woman: Well, make sure it’s not poisonous.
Man: Are you saying I should?
Woman: Yes you imbecile.
Man: All right…, well its stale, other than that nothing to report here.
Woman: How do we make the pain stop?
Man: Maybe you should hold your breath. That makes hiccups go away.
Woman: All right, I’ll give it a try.
Man: …hmm….oh dear! Wake up honey! This is not good, not good at all. Maybe if I
slap her…oh good she’s awake.
Woman: What happened?
Man: Um, remember when I hit you with that large piece of wood?
Woman: No…
Man: Oh, good.
Woman: Did the swelling go down?
Man: No, I think it is getting worse. There seems to be a large tear where the old one was.
Woman: The one I was born with?
Man: Yes that one…oh no! What in the land is that?
Woman: What is it? What do you see?
Man: I don’t know. It’s some kind of tiny lump with fingers…
Woman: Could it be a hand?
Man: Oh, yes of course a hand…A HAND! Did you eat a hairless chimp?
Woman: Of course I didn’t. Get it out of me.
Man: How do you suppose I do that? The hand is covered in this moist filmy goop.
Woman: Just get it out of me!
Man: If you say so. Oh, gross…this is the worst. It smells too! Wait, there’s more
then just a hand. It just keeps coming. Did you swallow it whole? I told you to chew; you saw what happened to me crapping
out an entire clump of mud. But this, this is far worse.
Woman: Just keep pulling will you!
Man: Fine, fine. You know you’re not pretty like this. After this, I might have to go
ape. They say once you go ape you never go back. Oh my goodness, it has a head, and eyes and stuff. Almost got it out….there!
Whoa!
Woman: What? What is it?
Man: There’s like a tube coming from it to you.
Woman: What does that mean?
Man: It can only be one thing, a parasite…
Woman: It’s been feeding off of me this whole time? Why did it come out on its own?
Man: I think it finished its early stages. Now it’s ready to leech off of you on the outside.
Woman: What should we do?
Man: We have to cut it off from the source. This will hurt you more then it will hurt me.
Woman: You don’t say…OUCH!
Man: Sorry, I missed. You don’t need that anyway…
Woman: You’re right; it’s not as if I can do physical labor as it is…OUCH!
Man: Okay, I got it. So…what do you want to do with it?
Woman: Well, we’ve always wanted a pet.
Man: A pet? We barely have any clothing, how do you suppose we can support a pet?
Woman: Hey, what’s it doing? Why is it sucking on me like that?
Man: You see, it leeches off you still! I will stop it.
Woman: No, don’t, it kind of tickles…
Man: Fine, have it your way… We’ll keep it I guess.
And so ends the first tale of birth...thus beginning the first tale of divorce.